It's A Miracle If This Is Finished

by Este

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about

a mixtape reflecting the scattered efforts and focus of Este and all the colors & characters & candor skittering within his dome like fireworks set off inside a child's christmas globe. an early time capsule and future artifact of a blossoming genius whose work may or may not survive post-2032 radiation.

be sure to check out the 5 music video's that accompany this mixtape at www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMl0fpQ7J6t9eDUShUgloBGPRvoH7WWzr

credits

released February 15, 2017

mixed & mastered by Estevan Munoz / Deryus Minnieweather.
recorded by Estevan Munoz / Deryus Minniweather / Sky Cooper

special thanks Nicholas B. Munoz & Sky Cooper & Baby Couch

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Este Portland, Oregon

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Track Name: Black Magic [prod. by J Dilla & The Roots]
I’ve been called sociopathic, have dealt in black magic
Started rapping cause the only thing I’d finish was fapping
Yall use to laughing, laughing with the Este
I’m use to feeling crappy, cowardly. Searching for the best of me
Feeling lazy trying to find the recipe To break the sensation of stagnation
Either intensely praised or hated. Most the time deserve it I face it
Feeling naked in these songs Cause like Kendrick I be writing my wrongs
For you to judge, for you to hate, For you to dance on the floor make your doobie shake
How many movies does it take to make to get a movie date?
Yeah, talking to the females, feeling okay online so send me them emails
Or get a letter in a real life, am I corny or iconic I can never decide
What’ll be demise? What’ll be demise?
Can I find the time to never lie and write my clever rhymes
Can I find the time to never die and live my life right man
It’s all up in question, don’t have the answers but I know that life’s a blessing
Even when it’s stressing, had to find my flexing cause my health still detriment,
But I beat being a pessimist, worked on my spit now my breath is peppermint,
Meaning hella cool, fella’s wanna duel, want a spoon of my own fuel
Challenge status quo without even being cruel that’s the way I do
Except when I don’t, all talk is toxic, it’s like my mouth need soap
self-doubting narcissist even my pouts are dope,
heart palpitations how do I cope, wrecked from stress
I possess a finesse that’ll be unleashed, unless
Im defeated by the best of my worst,
like can I put in the work?
Can I release myself from peers piercing my worth?
And What’s a bad habit if you erase the urge?
special from birth but what’s important is how you spend time on Earth
diggity damn, I’m a motherfucking walking cliché’
a Portland DJ, riding my bike around on hella busy freeways
use to lose my keychains, now I attach it to the back pack just to be safe
it’s about the baby steps to slay your lazinesses breath
I invest the time to keep my flaws in check
fuck surface reality Im craving what’s in depth
protect my parents crest cause I’m forever in debt
I’m forever in debt, forever in debt
You gotta respect the suspect implications of death
Track Name: Aztec Maverick [prod. by Nascent & Cam O'bi]
im ancient aeshetic, aztec gangster maverick
punctured the freeze-frame the flow bombastic
fuck your classes fuck your logic
all my knowledge stream of conscience
rummage through my memory
turn my own life to pedigree
write these words real third degree
freeing all this time so the herd can see
life in a day shit the nights with the payments
from patience to hatred everything between
not every nightmare's a dream
not all silence is mean
mad rhymes when i speak
why am i mad stylish when i'm me?
feeling stagnant i defrost my own pause
looked in the mirror to detox my own wrongs
im the hip hop sun ra always give it to you raw
give you 32 bars and astral travel to Mars

defining what's defiant
rhyming vile rhythm violent
chillingly childish tellytubby tyrant
nonchantly nihilist mapping out the milage
shit on shit that's stylish
im trending towards the timeless
never give a shit unless a shit's to be given
i'm all about that low class dash mansion living
from ass rimming to passionate sinning
i'm in it dont repent it and my knives dont fit the kitchen
cause i'm growing
my rhymes is overflowing
the past is the past and i'm done being nosy
freedom or being cozy?
its your decision i'm only working on precision
fuck what you think you know about your religion
i'm the preacher type
with a touch of Nietzsche light
walking alone can only tell you what the beach is like
and that's if the beats are right
most often it is cause i keep my det's tight

i'm a grown ass kid
middle class shit
bit of a riddle with my own stitches
have to remind myself to clean the kitchen
have to remind myself my soul's riches
Track Name: Eating [prod. by Baby Couch]
What you been eating? And how you been sleeping?
Cause you need some rest girl in your eyes I can see it
Can’t believe your need for guys with beamers
You was once a real dreamer, Momma Certified Girlfriend Keeper
Now your goals scare me like Jeepers Creepers

What you been eating and how you been sleeping?
Cause you need some rest girl in your eyes I can see it
Can’t believe your need to re-up, ritalin addiction how do i keep up
Consequences oh how they creep up
Nah girl, i don’t wanna meet up

Crushing since we’ve met, two brushes similar palettes
Lets set aside a place in time get our perspectives entwined
Wine with some plates of chocolates minds racing changing topics
Talking darkness but we artists so it’s not hard to be honest
You’re so polished but bizarre, not in college though you work hard
Bought your first car with your first job have the self-will of a curb stomp
Got your shit on lock down if i dip it’s a cop out
because you challenge me when I consider what you have been balancing

What you been eating? And how you been sleeping?
Cause you need some rest girl in your eyes I can see it
Can’t believe your need for guys with beamers
You was once a real dreamer, Momma Certified Girlfriend Keeper
Now your goals empty like the knees of Geezers

What you been eating and how you been sleeping?
Cause you need some rest girl in your eyes I can see it
Can’t believe your need to re-up, ritalin addiction how do i keep up
Consequences oh how they creep up
Nah girl, i don’t wanna meet up

What the fuck just happened? You’re out of touch like a has-been
Luck going soft , you’re falling off -- I only really like you in the past tense 11
You’re passed the point for a passion, now you pass the time as an actress 9
You’re on a role for your caskett, You’re comfortable in a trash-bin
And that’s not to say i can’t comprehend, Why you contemplate more than ya get
You’re in ya head, needlessly stressed, In need of rest, too neat to bet
Too scared to gamble, status dismantle, so sad how you got wrapped in them shackles
You shimmered so brightly now all you do is reblog pictures on tumblr nightly

What you been eating? And how you been sleeping?
Cause you need some rest girl in your eyes I can see it
Can’t believe your need for guys with beamers
You was once a real dreamer, Momma Certified Girlfriend Keeper
Now your goals empty like the knees of Geezers

What you been eating and how you been sleeping?
Cause you need some rest girl in your eyes I can see it
So just cool it with the people pleasing
Look in the mirror and treat her decent
Nevermind what trend is recent
You’re timeless like i ching teachings

By the way -- for the ladies, fuck your make up I want your nature
i hate to say but perfection dated appreciate your quirks and thank em

Fuck your make up I want your nature
Fuck your make up I want your nature
Track Name: 2DRUNK2FUCK [prod. by Baby Couch]
here i am at that motherfucking bus stop
see a pretty thang down the aisle that I must stop
busty she not, but I’m down to talk
she down too let’s get some food
maybe not my cock but coffee’ll do
we meet the next day a quarter to two
pouring that Portland coffee
feeling important confidence won’t stop me
dropping a naughty nod on her eyelids
high risk but she bought it
house invitation I’m on it
we talking and laughing we bonding
ain’t no one at her home now we fondling
i ask her where the condom is
she straight up said she don’t fuck with em
i’m like girl that’s irresponsible
i could have aids put you in a hospital
plus you getting pregnant ain’t impossible
but that’s alright cause you’se a dime
and usually i gotta wait for dimes
so for just this time i guess ill do it
i guess ill lay on my back like im Snoopy
but a lupe fiasco it hella seemed
seven minutes in with the hennesse
my dick ain’t working like a christmas tree
new years eve, i couldn’t believe
and neither could she
told her that i just needed to pee
came back in three ain’t working much
but a hunch telling me she needed a munch
and i hadn’t eaten lunch uh

too drunk to fuck
my dick doesn’t work
too crunk to get it up
my dick doesn’t work

i ask myself why this shit happen
eating poorly or too much fappin’
both are plausible according to this article
can’t have this defining my chronicles
twenty years of age for fucks sake
i should be fucking for fun or till my nuts ache
either way who’s to say what’s a norm
historically societies priorities ain’t important
but is that just me desperately
trying to please these insecurities
like any question no answers easy
so ill keep being me
meaning no sex and with STD’s i’m clean and free
settling for this celibacy
porn magazines i’m selling like three
transcending these earthly things
transcending or just being a bitch
honestly can’t tell the difference
is sex essential for the human condition
is it ever too late or can you actually miss it
did i miss it? can i fix this?
dare i dip in the abyss of craigslist?
shit I’ve posted some ad’s before
but nothing more I swears to ya
live from the wetless land area
you carry a vagina i’m scared of ya
homies asking questions hysteria
you want the truth fair enough
Track Name: We All Gonna Spoil [prod. by Baby Couch]
am i sailing? am i dying?
am i failing? what’ll be my demise?
despite these iced efforts to spike em
bad habits like me cant even say i fight em
frightened by my mirror dont like it
surprise look nearer it’s all lies
christ i can be two faced or three faced or more
my fate is to take and fake personas absorbed
me can’t afford all these golden opportunities ignored
brother calling and im just being annoyed
why is that he wanna move in cant he have that
what you feel better than him for
you two stuck like leather and a nympho
better run from problems that i gave up
sorry momma drug abusing just our nature
probable alcoholics in training
fuck my muse that bitch is complaining
wanting some work that i dont give it
lazy impulses on the daily i give in
sinning with sydney she synergy straining
remaining to refrain from saying she satan
cause life is more gray and im not hating
just saying its luck im octopusbacon
and maybe it’s not that bad
fucking a estevan its sad you got two dads
two bad you losing yourself like who’s that
who’s dat boy on the bus with the ipad
my bad my crabs im spoiled im not loyal
im crumbling like foil
get a whiff of this shit before im soil
we all gonna spoil

a long list of demons and how do i clean them
if i’ve just been dreaming of enlightened thinking
Track Name: JAM JAM [prod. by Baby Couch]
his salad days are solid gone
sardonic face replace his moms

he nearly died but he doesn’t know why
mind all fried his identity’s a lie
set a fire to a tie-dye shirt in a dryer
a liar with his fly by words
not a fighter for love
but for hate, for chaos
car exhaust got him exhausted
now he’s lost it , now it’s cost him
but who’s to blame when his brain ain’t been flossing?
who’s his boss and where’d he go?
waste his day just a day ago
cruising time but finding it
where the souls from nothingness fight to live
and his soul is dead his days are gone
no space of swans will sing his song
when his timeline bombs
when his lifeline run flat
he’s gonna get back with a jet back
runing backwards with a backpack
and a cracked hat, where his past at
how tragic

he nearly died but he doesn’t know why
mind all fried his identity’s a lie
he's fucked himself while he's fucked no one
getting stuck with a luckless duck
he's a showman for the average
for the bastards for the advanced
cause he's all three but enhanced
in his hands lie the secret to himself
secret to a life of youth and wealth
sticking to a diet of food dont belch
when he's not eating nothing but welch
phelps number one fan
the fam havent heard from him damn
and he's still scrambling to dance
and niles is still like
damn jam

JAM JAM JAM JAM
Track Name: Under the Frost [prod. by Este]
unbeknown to all he’s bewitched by the call
silent sirens thundering under the Frost
the castration of cause, the menstruation of malls
meant artificial leisure had seized the lot
and he seeks the fall, excretes what’s wrong
a predated maze of what is seen is bought
simps screamed in box, chips screened his thoughts
convinced his perception preceded thoughts
like eternal rhythms, internal wisdoms
a spiraling clockwork of verbal enigmas
his fertile charisma, external vanilla
building militias with infernal chillpill-a’s

what was he supposed to do?
dab his life like bandicoot?
cash his check before he had
the chance to ask it what it do?

What was he, What was he, What was he?
What was he, What was he, What was he?

Underneath his prayers and hidden from his praise
Was the glimmering hope that one day he’d faint
Pop a wheelie with fate, skate-escape his Face
transmute to home-base where the Frost lay away
but the future was now so he muted the sounds
out of fear that these mutants would neuter his crown
tutored by hounds on some mystic shit
fuck the distance kid, you’s a Livingston
and a mexican, can he flex again?
the best method operandi just involves a pen
and his fountain pen fresh muse a pound of flesh
he loves the breath so he can worship the breath
cause he can rap his ass off no matter if the cast on
no matter if the mic off vicious like saigon
one track minded like a cyclops, cyborg
causing a ruckus like his name was cyclone

at the strike of midnight his subconscious bites
gives him a sliver of what's bottled inside
what bothers his pride what's swallowed by shine
what sick fantasies he tries to leave behind
and it's swimming up there deep sea diving no cares
so he greets the beast and the beast just stares
pops a beer pulls up a beach chair
gets real comfortable like this beach his lair
and he ponders his flair what to do with his flair
and he comes up with something and he slings his snare
and he ponders his flair what to do with his flair
and he comes up with something and he slings his snare
Track Name: Hypnotic Fitness [prod. by Haruomi Hosono]
The devil is skilled in the tricks of profit
I make it no concern i’m only driven by the process
Expression in my cockpit y’all can call me shaman
Solitude is solace nonconformist to the constant
Conscious of the herd and it’s so called progress
Went to sparring with my conscience i’m the rapping dali knowledge
I’m the future looking forward to the males being neutered
Cause i’m post masculine the potent poet boundary hassling
Chasing happiness is maddening so rather i’m just asking what is happening
I soak the moment then i own it taste the foam of moment’s ocean
Not talking fortunes, positions, dinners with exotic fishes
Wanna talk exotic business now that’s hypnotic fitness
Exercising third eye i’m a dance to trancing mystic
Meditating till i’m crickets meditating till i’m crickets
Bought the tickets to my funeral it looked like your cubicle
Cute girl slashing up my cuticles i’m mutable
Everchanging it’s the universe’s only way of playing
I love pleasure but hate satan i love pleasure but hate satan
And it’s been awhile since i’ve been dating
Cause pen to paper that’s me mating while you fucking im fucking making
Aiming for some naked truths that’s why i fuck you from the booth
Like ear-gasm, a near spastic phantom inner world you couldn’t fathom
Satisfactions i hardly have em cause it’s all for nothing
I’m alive now my veins is pumping passion to the brain
My progress no longer stunted my shit has been blunted
My shit has been blunted progress is no longer stunted
No longer stunted

This conditions endless
What do humans have for breakfast
Its just self destructive menace
Like some suicides and dentists
Its the norm
It’s the norm it’s the norm it’s the norm

The devil is skilled in the tricks of profit
I make it no concern cause i’ve been sleeping with a lochness
Her paradox is context and without it she’s just nonsense
I consume her daily spells like a daily dose of pollen
Hideous posture but has hair locks that are awesome
They’re thin and curly colored purple during sex they make me gurgle
Planting eggs in me through these things and now im fertile
And in return i listen to why existence is a circle
And a circus im but a function and a service
Nothing deeper than the surface she tells me to fuck a purpose
Now i’m nervous that these little lochie’s will be hurtful
They rushed outta me like bugs rushing through the jungle
My brother went to see them cause he’s the family uncle
And upon first sight he did a double take twice
Then he threw up and stormed out and crashed on his way home
The little fuckers did it cause they’re psychic in their dome
Now i’m stuck in this prison at their tentacle thrones
Until they see fit to eat me for my delicious set of bones
I insist they do it now and to not wait until im old
Just make it swift i dont wanna die no medical
Track Name: Ice Cream Sandwiches [prod. by MF DOOM]
one time, one time.
one time, one time
yo
i should be sleepin
should be knee deep in dreams and
self sabotage me until my dreams end,
self destructin till my lifes' gone the shits
and nothing's worse than a friend callin' it quits

but yo
here i am, man
rooted where i stand, man
lootin' gasoline cans ice cream sandwiches
i ain't being cute
the shit's all i eat
losing pounds quicker than a rabid rabbit on it's feet
carnivorous planners couldn't tell me where to meat
cause fuck it if i know what's a real need
cause fuck it if i know what's a good deed
cause hell's been wondering why yearbooks show up on its' newsfeed
but that aint even the half of it, my past and shit
cloudin' my vision like the last sticks 300 dicks
300 times I've said I'll do it and I don't
300 more I promise you I will but I won't
confused as i go from one place to the next
best to rest this chest for i am not blessed
address my salad days with spicy mustard sauce
be honest with yourself and let your ego take a loss
right?
easy for me to say
hidin behind verses and fake apologay's
a probable cause is his plausible need for attention
attending shit that only serves to feed his pretention
damn

and another one (one time, one time)
and another one (one time, one time)
and another one (one time, one time)

clueless in the kitchen
like he clueless with his bitches
businesses curious where his ambition is
finished with diminished friendships
lips livin' off licked shit potato chips
with a little sip of jizz
see man
dont' ever doubt my clever shit
always worried if im not the clever one
ill be forever shit
never ever trust a backstabber
i always look in the mirror
wondering why im unaware that i treat all my friends inferior
procrastinating everything from brushed teeth to rushed screepts
i'm dying inside from hushed secrets
bummed cigarettes to try to look coola'
eating fast food cause i cant manage my moola'
fool her into thinkin' you some sort of rula'
trying to shine brightly but i pissed off life's jewela
hula hooping myself and never gettin that far
truly pooping my talents and i cant even drive a car


look at cha
look at cha
look at cha
Track Name: The Defect Is Your Brain [prod. by Mac Demarco]
he was in the fifth grade she was in the sixth
just a year older but his confidence was shit
so every time he passed her he would never ask her
if she wanted to walk to her house and dance
cause his house was cramped with a drunk ass aunt
laying on the couch pretending to parent his ass
he was ashamed, inflamed with the prospect of that
but the prospect of her had improved in fact
cause she had just broken up with a dude named zach
an eighth grader with hairy arms and a rumored chest tat
in his room full of lava lamps he plotted his next move
a future media-deemed reign of terror terrorist act
who would have thought? maybe him
he swore he saw it in a dream once but maybe he didn't
he saw her at the mall and handed her the letter he had written
waiting for her response he sat there and listened
she stood there and glistened
she was so pretty when the sunlight hit em
hurry up and say something cute there misses
she looked up and sighed and asked for three wishes
bewildered he granted them she sat him down and managed him
told him about all the times her dad had damaged her
she wished for a new life a new dad a new plan
and figured he could help her out with exactly that
he gladly asked how, she calmly said now
there's a gun in my room a brand new 22
take it to his head and make it go boom
and we'll book a flight to alaska and go get a room
because you love me don't you? you need me don't you?
you said it in your letter 30 times your not a liar are you?
you'll do this for me and our future forever
cause baby theres nothing better than us being together

time waits for no man

he was in the fifth grade she was in the sixth
when the judge decided both of them were mentally sick
was it meant to be or were they both meant for hell
he had obsessed about for 20 years in his locked cell
when he got out he found a payphone and called her
figured if he got out then so did she he talked to her
she had gotten a job at a strip joint called knockers
but she told him to knock it off and to never call her
so he never did but from that point he had lost it
wondered what buying a gun would exactly cost him
he wanted to go out with a mother fucking bang
cause life is a bitch when the defect is your brain

life is a bitch when the defect is your brain